If you can cook... you are OK.

Went to the K-kaupat and pick up a recipe magazine from their fish counter and was insipred to make a pie with cold smoked salmon. You need to get creative sometimes, and then eat your ceation. It is part of being normal and stable that you can cook and eat. If you can't cook then you either have too much money or are lazy. If you can't eat then you are in serious trouble.

The base of the pie had to be made from rye flour, the same kind of dough that goes into karjalan pirikka. Spread it out on a oven proof dish that is 30 cm in diameter. Imagine you are back in kindergaten and playing with plastercine as you spread the dough out on the dish. Drink some beer as you do it. Or a glass of wine if you prefer.



For the filling go for broccolli and cauliflour and carrot. People will have lots to say about vitamins and nutritional value, and anti oxidising agents, but go for the colour is my advice. Green and red and white is always a good combination.



As a topping spead on a layer of cold smoke salmon. It has that tary tang that is irresistable. You should have half finnished your beer or wine by now. With food preperation it is always best to follow the guidlines of Keith Floyd, namely the preperation time should take no more than the time it takes to consume two glasses of wine.



Now for the glue to stick everything together... a couple of eggs and some cream. Beat them together and add salt, pepper, dill and a liberal sprinkling of emental cheese. In everybodies life time it is important that they discover for themselves a cheese that will serve as a ideal topping. A cheese that will turn a golden brown and remain succulent. There are some cheeses that are not fit to be topping since when they melt they form a coating akin to a vinyl LP torched in a microwave. Emental is a cheese that behaves. Learn to love it.



Now the pie is ready for the oven and it is time to follow Floyds principle once again, namely cook the pie for as long as it takes to consume the remainder of the wine. Once you have drunk a whole bottle of wine you will have a most apperciative eye for your ceation no matter how it has turned out.



The final results should never be eaten alone. It is imperative that you share your food with somebody. Cook something for somebody today. That's an order.

Bonk Bermuda Triangles

Bermuda Triangles
Originally uploaded by HyperBob.

I have been reading the book "No Logo" which is about multinational corporations and the hold they have on world markets. It is also about the exploitation of the poor. Production takes place in third world countries, while branding takes place in a highrise office in London.

Modern commerce is all about "branding" and for some obscure reason the "brand" has become more important than the "product".

The Marlborough "brand" is the cigarette you have to buy since it shows that you are a discriminating smoker, and a bit of a rough, tough cowboy on the side, all weather-beaten face, but kind of fit never-the-less, despite the fact that you have tons of black tar coating your lungs. People will buy brands rather than products... DG, Ben Sherman, Ecco, Versace, Burberry, Tag, Armani, Boss, Nike... you get the picture.

Then you have the Finnish company Bonk Business Inc. who take branding to the extreme. They make products that have no function at all. Machines that don't work, for example the Raba Hiff Quasar OQ-172 is a fully defunctioned machine incorporating leading edge technology. Raba Hiff® machines are designed as a presence - on the shop floor, in offices or any working area. Their true function is this presence, which has been proved to increase job satisfaction -leading to better work motivation and thus to greater profits.

The have invented a non-existant anchovy briquette called Bermuda Triangles that comes in a package like Toblerone. Their slogan is "try them... they will just disappear"

It would seem that Bonk Business Inc. is one serious wind up. They fashion themselves as "a multiglobal industrial giant, pioneering Third Millennium technologies such as LBH (Localised Black Holes), ADS (Advanced Disinformation Systems), Cosmic Therapy and Defunctioned Machinery."

What they are really saying is that brand is more important than product. I wonder how many art galleries have bought their useless machines, or how many people have asked for Bermuda Triangles in a shop, even though they are supposedly made out of anchovy paste.

Bonk someone today.

Get a job at Bonk

Bonk Business Inc. Strategies

Screws missing

stuck in sand
Originally uploaded by jojoro.

Rolf has a screw missing... from his rollator. He has multiple sclerosis and needs a rollator to get about, so it is not good that one of the handles is loose. He is very unsteady on his feet so it makes it difficult for him if his support is not solid.

MS has effected his way of walking. He slaps his foot down and it somehow reminds me of a fish flapping around out of water. His speech is also a bit slured and he can't get control of his hands to fix the safety belt in place.

I have calculated that about 25% of the people who use taxis are disabled in some way. The Espoo county council provides them with a special card with a microchip in it which they can use to buy rides in taxis. A very thoughtful service.

Rolf jokes about his condition. He told the lady at the rollator centre that he wanted to trade in his old model for one that goes faster. One that has go faster stripes. He wants to race old ladies in the shopping centre. Apparently the old girls are well impressed by a set of fast wheels, even if they are only on a rollator.

She laughs and he smiles. What a sweet talker. What a sweet man. He says he has fought MS for 20 years, and it will not get the better of him. I admire that spirit.

No rush

"Your job is simple. Just get customers quickly into the taxi, and get rid of them just as quick. No small talk, no shaking hands, no smiles, just get their cash and be on your way. But listen no buzzing around like a blue-arsed fly, no rushing from the airport to Kielaniemi just cos you think that is where all the customers will be.

Customers are everywhere, and if you rush around you wont give yourself half a chance of catching them. Take it easy, drive slowly, enjoy the country side. Keep off the big roads with lots of traffic. If you get onto ring road III what do you get, speeding madmen late for work, mensturating women weeping at the driving wheel, traffic jams, and multiple car accidents. Do you need any of that? No? Then there is the exhaust fumes, and the headaches, the stoping and starting, the wear and tear on the engine. You get lots of angry people in a traffic jam cos they are all wanting to get somewhere and are frustrated that they are stuck in traffic.

You don't need to be anywhere, so you have no stress ex niin? Matinkylä is just as good as Espoonlahti. Don't be in a hurry. Let everybody else hurry. You take it easy. It is simple. Drive slow when you don't have a customer, and drive fast when you do have one, and get rid of them as quick as possible, ex niin?

Head down to Pakila and take the Ylästö road that runs parrallell to ring road III. It is a good road and it runs through Martinlakso, Myyrmäki to Pahkinärinne. Have you noticed if you are on the ring road III you never get any offers of lifts, but once you get off onto a side road and drive along them slowly you will pick up lots of lifts. Folks desperate to get to the airport but they can't get a taxi cos, they are all caught up in a gridlock on ring road III. Drive slowly, take your time, if you are driving with your pants on fire you could speed through a village and miss a call. If you drive slowly then you don't stress yourself and you don't stress the car. Simple ex niin?

Seven time out of ten when I drive the Ylästö road early in the moring I can easily pick up three lifts to the airport while other taxi drivers are stuck in a traffic jam on ring road III, stressed out of their gourds worrying over the fact they couldn't pick up a ride even if it were offered to them. Time is money. Wasted time is lost money. Simple ex niin?

Drive slowly and admire the views, that is perhaps the best advice I can give you. Simple ex niin? 

Never join a queue, or give a granny an even break

"Of course the weekends are different, after eight o'clock you get your whores and thieves, but you will be OK in the mornings, cos that is the time when the grannies do their shopping. It is a different clientelle on a Saturday morning, you get your cripples and disabled, the blind and the senile, and they present a different set of problems to your whores and thieves. Simple ex niin?

So the idea is this... never ever join a queue. Some people will join a queue just to see what is at the end of it. Look at all those idiots who go to Stockmans for their "Crazy Days" They will queue up around the block just becasue they think they will get a bargain. Queuing is for idiots. If you ever find yourself in a queue always make sure you are always first in line. That way you can get in and out quick. Simple ex niin?

And where are the business men at the weekends? I'll tell you where they are... resting. You won't get any rides from Nokia house or Kielaniemi because there is nobody there. The weekend is for grannies in the morning and whores at night time. Simple ex niin? And what do you do if you get a whore that won't pay? They give you lip, they try to cheat you. Listen!!! when they give a service they expect to be paid for it, so it is just the same for us. we drive a taxi and provided a service and we should get paid when we have done our job good, ex niin?

If they don't pay, I'll have their telephone off them, or their passport, or their gold bracelet, and I give them one week to come up with the money. If they ask me to bring their telephone to them I set the meter running and charge them for that trip too. Time is money, and I am providing a service... fair's fair, ex niin? If they can't be bothered to collect their stuff after a week I take it to the pawnshop and ask for just enough money to cover the original trip and my expenses. When they call about a month later and ask for their phone. I send them the pawnshop ticket and tell them to go reclaim it. It's their headache then what to do. None of this would have happened if they had stumped up in the first place. Don't make headaches for yourself. Simple ex niin?

But watch out for those grannies too. Picked up a granny at Iso Omena and she wanted to be taken to Itäkeskus to deliver christmas presents to her two daughters. I drive her there and she jumps out of the taxi with all of her bags, but leaves a big plastic bag with more christmas present in it for her other daughter. Says she'll be right back, and I believe her 'cos butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She never comes back and has skiped out of the taxi without paying, but I think I'm OK since she has left the big plastic bag full of Christmas presents. Like hell she did... it was full of empty milk cartoons. I ask you is that right?"

"the human heart is so desperately wicked"

"You can say that again... but if there were more people like us, then the world would be OK... ex niin?

The weapons of our war

"The sooner you get it into your head that we are in a war then the better it will be for you, and if you are in a war you need to know your weapons, and how to use them, how to get the most out of them, and the main weapon that you have is that little console on the dashboard. If you unlock all its little secrets then you will be one jump ahead of the bunch. In this game you have to be a champion rally driver. To get anywhere you have to always be first. Always get to the head of the queue. Second place will never put the bread on your table or pay the rent."

"But what about the first being last, and the last being first?"

"Forget it!!! What you have to do is know where all the other cars are, if there are other taxis already at the taxi station ask yourself why should you go there to be second in the queue, you could just as well be home in bed sleeping. Being second or third will never earn you any money, you have to be first. Got that? Simple ex niin?



"So you are driving around and that "232" number tells you that you are that you are in the Matinkyla area and that "J2" means that there are two cars roaming the area. Take my advice drive around until you get " J1" coming up on the console then it means that you are the only car in the area and any rides that are going, will be coming your way.

The satellite keeps frack of you movement with GPRS and if you are the only car in the area you will be offered any rides that are going. You will get all the information on where to pick the person up from, and where to take them to, and maybe even their telephone number.

You can't imagine how many people order a taxi and then sleep in. Check the time when they have ordered the taxi, and if they are still in their pygamas when the clock hits that time, set your taxi meter running and tell them no hurry, take all the time you want. They have to pay from when they ordered the taxi. It's a war you see. We don't take any prisoners, and we don't show any mercy. If you want to show mercy then you should become a priest. Driving a taxi is not for you. You see? Simple ex niin?"

"Always be first... hmm doesn't sound quite right somehow. Doesn't seem just or fair."

"Look if you are not out to make money then get back into bed, and if you want to give other people a chance then become a social worker. So you have your "Alu" which is the number code for all the taxi stations. Memorise them. Station 232 has got a couple of cars there and they have been waiting for 11 minutes. What did I tell you about always being first? Should you join the queue at 232?"

"Errr I suppose no"

"Well you would be wrong cos to every rule there is always an exception. You don't win nothing by following the rules. You have to be a little bit weeeeeee a little bit hayhay. A backhander here, a wink and a nod there. Always get somebody to scratch you back but never scratch anybodies back for them... unless they pay you for it.

You see you need more knowledge. Why do you think those two cars have been waiting there for 11 minutes"

"They are broken down? hehe"



"Look if you are trying to be funny you should be a comedian and not a taxi driver. You have to have a look at the "ETL" and you will see why they are sitting there. There are 4 juicey rides going from 231 which is Matinkyla to 445 which is Vantaa airport. Four prebooked rides up for the grabs between 5:35 and 6:15. Since it is prebooked you can charge the customer 5:40 euro just for picking them up, and that is on top of the basic charge of 4:60 euros, so without lifting a finger you have 10 euros in you pocket for sitting a the taxi sation just waiting to pick up the ride, and once you have taken them to Vantaa airport you will have clocked up 40 euros which is not bad for a 25 minute drive. Simple ex niin?

Now get out there and kill those sonsofabitches ex niin?"